I Have A Few Things To Say To Squirrels, Okay?
Squirrels, hey. Let's talk. Dear Squirrels,
You guys are amazing. You have been living in the two big trees in my front yard for ages. There are a few things, though, that I don't understand about you.
Why are you always darting in front of my car (and other cars) as we go down the street? Do you have a death wish? Are you trying to freak me out? Because I do get panicked thinking I'm going to hurt you. Is that what you want? When my trees give you so much shelter and nourishment? I don't understand the thrill you get from this. It must be some kind of elaborate game of chicken.
Why don't you guys eat more of the acorns in my yard? There are so many, you guys. And I know there are at least six of you living in these trees. Don't you want that sustenance? I thought you guys were supposed to be hoarding those things away for later. Why leave them in my yard, where nothing will bring them up? I rake and I rake and then I hire OTHER people to rake, and they're still there. Glaring at me.
Why do you guys always stand on the sidewalk and bark at me? What have I done to you? Why are you so mad? I'm nowhere near your nest, your family, your tree, any of it. I'm just out here getting the mail. I'm literally at least twenty feet away from you. Why are you trying to pick a fight with me?
I have no real bone to pick with you. It's not like I'm going to go over there and climb up that tree and try to get you. You'd probably bite me so hard I'd be feeling it next week. And that wouldn't be good for your teeth, or my hands. I kinda need those.
Squirrels, please. Ash, Candace, Rudy, Ned, Jessica, Porcelain, Jimin... explain, please. I don't speak squirrel, but I'm sure we can work this out.